"I Did What It Took To Get By"

As I went to write a blog post last night to express some thoughts that have been on my mind lately, I found a blog post that I started to write a year ago. The funny/weird/coincidental thing is that these are some of the same thoughts that I have been having lately.

The following is what I had written a year ago:

"Sometimes you don't realize how blessed you are at a young age.  Tonight I was reminded of just how blessed I am.

I have been very fortunate to have many wonderful people as role models throughout my life-even when I didn't realize it.  As I stood talking with three of my four trumpet teachers tonight, I realized that I've had some amazing teachers. I realized that I have the ability to be an amazing trumpet player and musician...

I've been very blessed that for the 10 years that I have played trumpet, I have also been able to take private lessons.  I never realized how lucky I was to be able to study privately until I went to college..My parents provided me with the tools to become successful...but I didn't take advantage..I did what it took to get by."

My, oh, my.  How true these thoughts are still today. I have really been thinking about the last line: "I did what it took to get by."  Sometimes life gets stressful, and we aren't able to practice like we want to...but if we have a sense of control in our life, then does life have to pan out this way??? I think this statement applies to how I have approached things the past few weeks..I did the minimum of what needed to be done, just to survive and get by. But I'm not happy with 'just getting by'...so I need to remember this as I finish out the semester.

In regards to the statement mentioned above, I started thinking about how one of my teachers would remind me that even though I did what it took to get by, I always put in the work when it was needed...I mean, I guess that's good in a way..but why would I want to be average...because as another teacher once told me: the world would be boring if everyone was average/normal.

The last two weeks before break were extremely busy, but also very motivating.  Motivating in the sense that I have been super excited about music therapy...but then, in-turn, I have pushed the trumpet more to the side..and I don't like that fact..because both music therapy and the trumpet are important to me. These two things make me who I am. I know that I don't want to be great at one or the other...I'm an over-achiever, and I want to be great at both..

The problem with wanting to be great at both is that I have to find a balance between the two..but to be honest, I don't think that I will ever fully have the 'balance' of the two figured out. In a way, this is what keeps me intrigued, interested, and motivated. But in another way, this is what makes me frustrated and want to quit...

SO, here's to me continuing my adventure of attempting to find a balance between the things that I love. I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported me and continues to support me as I follow my dreams. I couldn't do it without all of you.

"The Title Doesn't Matter"

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the equality of his actions and the integrity of his intent." ~Douglas MacArthur

One of the sessions that I attended at the AMTA National Conference was on leadership and how to find your voice as a student and young professional. I chose this session because it sounded interesting...but if you know me, you are probably thinking something like "Why would she go to that? She doesn't have any problems being a leader or expressing her views." 

The reality is that even though I am a true extrovert, there are still times when I struggle with being a leader. It isn't always easy being the one who takes charge and puts in the countless hours of work without being recognized. That's why I went to this session..because lately I had been feeling overwhelmed and felt that I could have been doing a better job as a leader.

One of the biggest things that stuck out to me during the session was that "the title doesn't matter." This really stuck out to me because it was a reminder that you don't have to have a title in order to be a leader. As a music therapist, by showing up to a session and taking charge, you are being a leader.  By coming to class prepared and on time, you are being a leader. By attending you music therapy student organization meeting, you are being a leader...because it shows that you care. 

Often times the 'leaders' who get recognized are the ones who have the big title and are in charge of things...but we have to remember that a lot of the times the true leaders are the ones who show up day-in and day-out without being recognized. 

At the end of the session, the presenters shared quotes about leadership. The attendees shared which ones stuck out to them and why. Here is the quote that stood out to me:

Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. ~Steve Jobs

This quotes was a reminder that if you are going to be a great leader, no matter your title, you have to be innovative.  We live in an ever-changing world, and we have to adapt. What worked 20 years-ago may not work today...and what worked 2 years-ago might not work today. As leaders, we have to be willing to adapt. The adaptations that have to be made may not be what you as the leader think should happen, but it is about adapting for the betterment of your group or followers.

Suffering and Offering

Suffering: the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. In faith, we often talk about suffering. When we talk about suffering, we also talk about offering.

Last night and this morning, I was really thinking about my late friend Zak. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I tried everything, but he kept coming back to my mind. As I was getting ready to attend a retreat at the WIU Newman Center that was being hosted by students from the Bradley Newman this morning, I really thought about Zak. I knew that he was on my mind because the students were coming from Bradley, and this is where he had attended school. While I was doing my hair, I couldn't help but replay in my mind the week of when he was killed.

During our lunch, I began talking to a few of the girls from the Bradley Newman. It just so happened that one of them was involved in music. She shared that she didn't personally know him, but that she knew of him. She continued on to say that people she knows spoke very highly of him. I smiled, but on the inside, my heart was glowing with pride and aching with sadness all at the same time.

A student shared about her journey with God, and how suffering played a big part in that journey. Following her talk, we broke into small groups to discuss. When I thought about suffering in my life during the past year, the first thing that came to mind was death. Death...because my family lost so many friends in a few months. Death....because after a few months of things returning to 'normal,' my family lost another important friend.

It took me a minute to put my thoughts together and gather the courage to share, but I eventually shared with my group what I had experienced. That month that my family lost so many people, it was awful. My heart ached every day. I shared my experience of not knowing how I was going to make it through finals week, because all I wanted to do was go home and be with my family. I shared that those two days when I finally got home were some of the toughest days of my life. But through those toughest days, I knew that the only way to get through it was by turning to God. I knew that in order to survive, I had to give an offering to God. I offered to God my talents, so that they would be used to bring peace, comfort, and healing to those who were grieving, including myself. I shared that playing for Zak's funeral was one of the toughest and most high pressure situations I have ever had..but that I knew the moment I offered it to God was the moment that everything would be fine. I knew that as long as I was playing for Him, I had nothing to worry about.  When I finished sharing, tears were in my eyes. I realized that this was the first time that I had shared with a 'stranger' about my experience of loss and grief. This wasn't an easy step, but I know that God placed me there for a reason.

Through this suffering and offering, I continued to grow closer to God. The months to follow weren't and still aren't easy. There are days when it feels like I am on top of the world..and there are days when it feels like I am drowning. The most important thing is that I know that God will be with me through each of these days. That He will provide comfort and healing.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

#buildingconfidence

I am generally not a person who lacks confidence. (I mean, I am a trumpet player after all!) But wait..is this view of having a strong sense of confidence the view that I have of myself or the view that others have of me?

During a conversation with a few friends the other week, my friends shared that I "always seem to be confident and have life together." WOW! What a compliment. However, I quickly shared with them that I don't always feel this way, even when it seems that I do feel this way.

As I prepared for the new week..I needed some motivation. I was preparing for my first solo music therapy session, a lesson, and the many realities of adulthood. 

When I thought about all of these things, I realized that while I am confident in the various activities in my life, such as music and my faith, I'm not confident in the whole picture...I'm only confident in certain details. 

When I think about my skills as a music therapist, I was reminded that the times where I don't feel successful are the times when I'm not confident. Those times when I messed-up a song or intervention during co-leading last semester...those were because I lacked faith and didn't have confidence in myself. 

I quickly realized that this applied to the trumpet, too. If I've prepared something all semester..then I will be confident when I play it at my jury. But if I lack the confidence needed to be successful at an area of my playing, such as lip flexibility, then how can I be confident as a whole musician? Shouldn't the goal be to pick up the horn and have the confidence to play whatever is put in front of you? 

When I thought about these things, one word kept coming back: CONFIDENCE

I decided I needed a motto for the semester...so that's where #buildingconfidence comes from!

My goal for the semester is to start building confidence in the areas that I feel I am the weakest. This is one of the hardest things to do in life...I mean, who wants to confront the things they are bad at???

Here's to a successful semester and setting my self up for success! 

Catholic+Education

Going off to college was the first time in my education career that I wasn't attending a Catholic school. However, this didn't stop me from attending Mass at the Newman Center on campus. The thing was, I had grown so much in my faith during my senior year of high school. Once I came to college, that relationship was still there...but it was stagnate, it wasn't going anywhere.

Along came my sophomore year of college, and it was the same situation. But on the first Sunday of school, I got on the elevator and rode down with this girl. We proceeded to get off the elevator and head to the parking lot. We finally struck up a conversation and figured out that we were both headed to the Newman. Later we find of that we are both music majors, and that she is from the same town as my grandma. I know God had a plan when He placed us on that elevator together, because this amazing friend continues to encourage me to attend mass weekly, and to grow in my faith.

SO, here we are three weeks in to my junior year of college. How is my faith? Well, let's just say that over the past few months, my faith has continued to grow. The past eight months have taught me to trust in Him more than I ever knew was possible.

When I arrived at school this year, I knew that God had a continued plan for me. His plan for me over the past three weeks wasn't necessarily what I had planned in some ways, but the important thing is that it is His plan for ME!

One of my favorite moments is that on the one year anniversary of meeting my amazing friend, I was standing at Mass at the Newman, after taking a step out of my comfort zone, singing in the choir with this friend.

There's more! This semester, I am taking the first semester of music history. As we have began to talk about the music of the mass, it's like things are clicking. The mass makes so much more sense when you understand the history of the music, and how it got to where it is today. And I'm really excited to be doing my research paper on a topic that relates to the music of the mass during the Baroque! (More on that later in the semester!)

God has created a unique plan just for me. I mean, isn't it exciting that the guy who will love me unconditionally for my entire life has created something so amazing just for me?!?!

As you can see, I'm really excited that God is using my love of music to help me grow in my faith. So thank you, God, for creating this amazing plan for me! I am so thankful for you, and I am truly living my life for you!

~Romans 8:28~

A Slap in the Face

What's it like to get a slap in the face? I don't mean literally, but rather metaphorically.

Generally, when we think about getting a slap in the face, we think of it as a bad thing. But when I reflect on this past week, my "slap in the face" was honestly exactly what I needed.

I needed the reminder that I am here at school to become the best future MT-BC that I can be. That reminder that 20 years from now it won't matter whether I was in a certain ensemble or not..it will only matter about what I did as an individual...it's about how I handled myself in every situation and made the best out of every situation.

This week was a reminder that I am here on Earth to live out God's plan for me...rather than living out MY plan for ME...because there is a difference!

The thing is, it's so hard some days to accept God's plan. Sometimes God's plan is nothing like you had planned. But in the end, the only way to be truly happy in life is to follow God's plan. For many of us who are young adults away at school, this is the hardest thing to conquer. Even though we want to live out God's plan for us..there are those days when we get so busy and caught up in everyday life that we forget to spend time with Him.

As I prepare for the rest of the semester, I continue to pray that every single day I trust in God's plan for me. I also continue to pray that through His plan, I am able to share my faith journey with others and help them grow closer to Him.

I want to remind all of my family and friends to remember to trust in Him when the going gets tough...because in the end, He is the ruler of all. Remember that God has amazing plans for each us! He loves each and every single one of us, even on the darkest days.

Coffee & Prayer

As I prepare for year three of college, I pray that every day I wake up and give glory to God. I pray that my time spent with God doesn't wait until I'm going to bed. I pray that when I wake up and have my morning cup of coffee, that I will use that time to spend a few minutes with Him...that I will use that time to praise Him for allowing me to continue to live out His plan for me, which included me waking up that morning. I pray that God uses me in any way necessary to share His love and grace with others. I pray that He will provide me with safety and good health while I am away at school.

I pray that I will continue to be surrounded by family, friends, peers, mentors, and professors who know and love God...that my friends continue to push me to have the best relationship with God that I can have...that my friends give me that little nudge to go to mass even when I don't feel like it..

I pray that every time I make music, I thank Him for the amazing gift that He has given me. I pray that God continues to put me in situations where I am able share my passion for Him through the gift of music.

I pray that every single day, I am able to use my gifts to share His love with others. I pray that God has a plan for me...and I pray that I continue to accept and trust that plan, because sometimes it isn't easy or what I thought was going to happen.

So for all of my family and friends out there who are reading this, remember that we were created by an amazing God. Remember to trust Him and His plan.

Three

The number three is a significant number in many ways, and also happens to be my favorite number.

In Christianity, the number three represents the Trinity: the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In the Bible, the number three is used approximately 467 times. In math, three is believed to be the first "true number." It is also the first number to form a geometric shape. The number three also represents time: birth-life-death, past-present-future, and beginning-middle-end. Three is also found in the Noble Peace Prize medals, on which are engraved three men. And of course, there are the three leaf clovers known as Shamrocks.

As I reflected on life during a car ride the other week, I was reminded that there are three main things that have remained throughout my life: music, ESA, and humility.

If you know me, you know that those three things I listed above are an essential part of my every-day life. But when I began to think about those three things, I realized that there were three other things that I have in life: Faith, Family, and Friends. Without my faith, family, and friends, I wouldn't have music, ESA, or humility.

My Faith comes first in those three things, because without God, I would have nothing. Without Faith, my family wouldn't be the same. Without Faith, I would not understand my purpose here on Earth...nor would I understand the importance of humility and helping others. My Faith provides me with the strength to follow my dreams and overcome the many hurdles in life. My Faith has provided me with friendships I never dreamed of. Because of my Faith, I have been able to help others know God. My Faith has taught me that I have many talents, some of which I am just beginning to know.

My Family is second, because without my family, I would not be here. My parents and my sister are my lifeline(s). My family provides me with so much love, support, and encouragement. My mom and dad are my biggest fans, and have given up so much of their life to provide for my sister and I. My sister has been my best friend since the day I was born. Although we argue and fight sometimes, we always come out stronger. My cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are supportive, even from hundreds of miles away when we can't see each other for months at a time.

My Friends are third, because without my Faith and Family, I wouldn't have my friends. Many of my friends are practically my family. My friends are young and old. I have friends who live a mile from me, and friends who live thousands of miles away. My friends provide me with the extra support and love to push through the tough days. My friends teach me so many lessons about how I can become a better person. My friends are the ones I go to when I need a little break from my family.

As you can see, the number three is very important to me.

To end, here is Psalm 33: 1-5 (New Living Translation):

Let the godly sing for joy to the LORD;

it is fitting for the pure to praise him.

Praise the LORD with melodies on the lyre;

make music for him on the ten-stringed harp.

Sing a new song of praise to him;

play skillfully on the harp, and sing with joy.

For the word of the LORD holds true,

and we can trust everything he does.

He loves whatever is just and good;

the unfailing love of the LORD fills the earth.

Founder's Day

Happy Founder's Day to my fellow ESA sisters and brothers!

For those who don't know, ESA stands for Epsilon Sigma Alpha.  ESA is an international service group that raises money and supports St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Easter Seals, Hope for Heroes, and many other local and national projects.

As a member of ESA, you not only help others by giving your time, talent, and treasures, but you are also able to grow as an individual through educational and social events.

ESA allows you to meet so many people from across the country and world that enjoy the same things as you.  The members of ESA care about each other and go 'Above and Beyond' for each other.  They 'Believe' in each other.   ESA members encourage and support each other through every obstacle that is thrown at them.  ESA members want to change the world, one small step at a time.

ESA members want to help fulfill Danny Thomas' dream that "No Child Shall Die in the Dawn of Life."  ESA members work long hours at Dream Homes, Math-A-Thons, runs, Phone-A-Thons, and numerous other events that help STJ.  ESA members make the long trek to Memphis or other STJ Affiliates to visit the patients of St. Jude.

ESA members collect ink cartridges for Hope for Heroes.  They send care packages to the soldiers serving both overseas and in the US.  They volunteer at the local VFW.

ESA members collect books and toys for Easter Seals.  ESA members raise funds so that children and adults with disabilities and their families may receive services from Easter Seals.

To me, ESA is my second family.  ESA is a part of my life and a part of who I am. When I think of ESA, I think of the hundreds of men and women whom I have encountered because of ESA and their love of giving back and helping others.

ESA has taught me the importance of giving back to the community.  ESA has also taught me the importance of sharing my talents to help others.  ESA has allowed me to find my passion for supporting Easter Seals and St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. ESA has allowed me to make an uncountable number of friends-many of whom I consider family. ESA has taught me so much more than I will ever know.

The members of ESA have taught be how to be a woman.  They have given me guidance on how to address and interact with others, how to dress properly for different occasions, how to have fun while still taking care of business, how to care for others, and how to reach for my dreams.

The men and women of ESA support, encourage, and love me more than I will ever know.  I will always be grateful to ESA for all of the memories.

On this Founder's Day, I want to give a special thank-you to the late Avril Marie for introducing my mom to ESA.  Without ESA, my family and I would be completely different.  I truly cannot imagine my life without ESA.

"Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself.  It's about what you do for others." ~Danny Thomas~

My Big Sister

This is an open letter to my amazing big sister who has known me since day one!

When we were younger, we fought together, laughed together, cried together, and played anything and everything together.  There were times when our parents couldn't keep us a part, and there were plenty of times when our parents couldn't get us to be near each other.  But no matter what, we have remained best friends for over 20 years.

The dynamics of our relationship have changed over the years, and they will continue to do so as we grow older.  Through all of these changes, you have taught me so many things!

*You have helped me to understand what it means to trust in the Lord, especially through the hard times.

*You taught me how to be a student.

*We share secrets that I don't even tell my best friends about.

*We know exactly what "the look" means. (And there are multiple "looks")

*We have codes for our inside jokes.

*You inspire me to be the best person that I can be.

*You taught me how to play sports-even though I was never very good.

*You helped me to understand football...but let's face it-there are still things about that game that I don't understand.

*You showed me how to find my passion for helping others.

*You showed me how to be a leader.

*You showed me how to be a great friend.

*You taught me how to cook and bake..even when I didn't help you clean up!

*You taught me to make the best of every moment.

* You dealt with all of mom and dad's hard rules, so I didn't have to.

*You have shown me how to conquer the biggest life obstacles.

*You have accepted me for the crazy person that I am.

*You have put my head on straight.

You are a constant reminder that I always have a supporter.

I could go on and on about my sister..but I just want to say THANK YOU for everything. The countless memories, both good and bad. I love you to the moon and back. 

How has your semester been?

The other day, someone asked me how the semester was going.  Before I answered, I paused for a moment.  I told them the truth.  I shared that this has been an exciting semester but also a very tough semester.

This semester I have been faced with many different challenges such as preparing for a recital, dealing with loss, and co-leading music therapy sessions once a week. This semester has also been a reminder to take advantage of the opportunities placed in front of you, because you never know if they will come up again.

While I am extremely proud of how far I have come as a person, musician, and music therapist this semester, I would be lying if I said the semester went swimmingly.  There were days when I loved my life and didn't want the day to end..but there were also times when the day couldn't end soon enough..days where all I could do was go to my room and put on a sad movie so that I had an excuse to cry.

This semester has taught be how to balance.  By this, I mean that I have learned to balance school vs social life, practicing vs other homework, practicing trumpet vs practicing music therapy, balancing my faith with my everyday life, and balancing my emotional needs with the stress of being a college student.

This semester has been a reminder that you can't go through life by yourself.  It has been a reminder to share with my friends and family how I am feeling/what I am thinking..because sometimes you have to let it out instead of bottling it all up inside.  It's been a reminder that sometimes you just need to take a night off from practicing and spend it with those you love.

Each day I have made it a point to remind myself of how lucky I am to be here on Earth.  I remind myself that hard work really does pay off.  I remind myself that those tough moments when I want to quit are where I need to push through because in the end, it will make me stronger person.

Each day brings new emotions.  With these emotions come old and new memories.  With these memories comes a reminder of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful support system, the ability to study at an institution of higher education, and the gift of helping others through music.

God didn't bring you this far to leave you.
-Philippians 1:6

Zak

One moment everything was perfectly normal.

Then the all of a sudden, the world came crashing down.

Hearts broken, bodies aching.

Plans broken, dreams shattered.

This wasn't what anyone had planned. 

Why you? Why now?

Loved ones yearned for answers, but none were found.  

As each day passed by, hearts continued to search for answers.
But still, none were found.

We put our trust in God,
Trusting that this was somehow just a part of His big plan.

We paid our respects and laid you down to rest.

It wasn't a good bye, but rather a see you later.

Now you are singing with the choir of angels,
Watching over us as we go about our lives.

Your smile shines down upon us, even on the darkest days.
Your humble words repeat through the minds of those who loved you.

Your legacy lives on in the  hearts of those you knew.
You will forever be a part of our lives.

You are our guardian angel.

What taking private lessons teaches you...

I have been surrounded by/involved in music for my entire life.  With that being said, I am very blessed to say that I have been studying privately, whether piano or trumpet for twelve years now.

All of those private lessons taught me a few things:

Be yourself.

-Don't let others dictate your life. Don't be shy around certain people when you really aren't a shy person.

Make music for yourself, not because someone else wants you to.
-This is one of the most important lessons I have learned. Hearing this was part of what made me choose to study music in college. This was a reminder to play the trumpet for myself and not my parents!

You have the choice to practice, so choose wisely.
-The only thing stopping you from practicing is yourself. You choose to do other things instead of practicing..there are no excuses for not practicing...

There will always be someone out there who is better than you.
-One of the best opportunities for young players is to attend festivals and camps with peers.  Not only do you meet so many new friends, but you are reminded to keep working hard because there will always be someone, somewhere in the world who is better than you.

Always strive for greatness.
-If you don't like the way you sound, then change the way you sound.  If you didn't like that attack, start the phrase over. If you only strive for mediocre playing, then you will never be great-only mediocre.  If you strive for greatness, then someday you will be a great player.

Don't stop just because you missed one note.
-This has been something that I have continuously struggled with since the beginning..So what, you missed one note: make a mental note and keep going-then come back to that spot later and work on that note/passage.

Confidence
-If you think that you can't hit the high C..then you probably won't..you have to be confident in what you do and believe in yourself.  If you are confident that you can play something, then it will most likely be more successful.  If you believe, than you can achieve...it's all mental.

Rests are important in the music.
-If there is a half rest..then play a half rest, not a dotted quarter rest...the piano part or other part of the ensemble probably has something important.

Self-discipline
-This relates back to choosing to practice.  So, you choose to practice..but are you going to choose to practice the right way or the wrong way..will you practice what was assigned for your lesson or will you choose to practice other things that are more 'fun' to you...are you going to just run through your solo piece or are you going to isolate the tough passages and spend the needed time on them..

You don't have to love every piece of music that you perform.
-This is one of my weaknesses. Just because you don't love a piece of music, that doesn't me that you shouldn't work hard at it.  Mostly likely you were told you were performing the piece, so make the most of it and sound your best.

Conquering fear/stage-fright.
-This relates back to confidence..if you are confident and have prepared to the best of your ability..then what is there to be nervous about.  "Whatever happens, happens!" This was a great motto that I learned during my first summer at ISYM after I bombed my audition..if you mess one etude up..clear your mind and start the next one fresh, as if you never messed up.

We all make mistakes.
-We are humans..we aren't perfect. It's okay to make a mistake..the important thing is that you know you made the mistake and that you go back and fix it. (Also relates to #7)

Sometimes you need a day away from the horn.
-Sometimes your face needs a break from playing..those muscles need a break..or sometimes you mentally need a break..you need to clear your mind from all things trumpet..

Bad playing days aren't necessarily a bad thing.
-We all have what we consider to be bad playing days..but the important thing is that we learn from those bad days..think about why you considered it a bad playing day and how you can fix that in the future.

The things that you choose not to practice come back to haunt you, whether you like it or not.
-MULTIPLE-TONGUING. GEKKER. LIP SLURS.MOUTHPIECE BUZZING....these are just a few of the things that I chose not to practice during high school..which have come back to haunt me here at college..the things that you keep putting off eventually come back..and then you have to jump over a hurdle to finally work on them..(which is not fun)..so when someone tells you to practice these things...you should just do it..

The beauty of friendship.
-Your private teachers see you every week. They know you better than some of your classmates.  Use this to your advantage.  If you need advice, ask them. They have all been in your position. When you move on to another teacher..don't lose touch. Being able to call your former teachers who are now your friends on a bad day and get advice is a major pro in life..


***Thank you to my many teachers, whether I studied with you for one hour or for four years..you have all helped me to be the person and musician that I am today.  You have all helped me to learn the many lessons discussed in this post.  And yes, these lessons are still lessons that I struggle with from day to day.

An Empty Chair

In jazz band this semester, we don't have a bass trombone..for the first month or so, it never occurred to me that there was an empty chair there every rehearsal..

Last week my late friend Zak was honored at the Bradley Jazz Festival by his friends, colleagues, and professors. The band left his chair empty on stage to honor his life.

The next day at rehearsal, it hit me..There was an empty chair..the bass trombone chair..and the person who filled that chair for the concert-Darin, a friend to both Zak and I...

While Zak didn't attend WIU with me, that empty chair still holds significance in my life..some rehearsals when I look at that empty chair, tears start to form in my eyes..but then I remember that Zak would want me to work hard and to always play my best-to never give up or let anything hold me back.

That empty chair is more than just an empty chair..it's a reminder to always work hard...a reminder to always be humble while still being the most talented player that I can be.  It's a reminder to always play with the most beautiful and romantic sound every time I pick up the horn.

What's your dream?

As little kids, we see so many different people doing so many different jobs.  Young kids often talk about how they want to be a doctor, teacher, police office, or firefighter...or maybe we want to be a professional athlete or maybe an astronaut...these are the things we dream of doing when we are older..

If you think about it..are those things really our dreams? Or are our dreams the things that we can do through those various professions?

Our dream should be to change the world, to empower young people, to cure cancer, to live a happy life, to teach others about God, to love all people, and to reassure every single person that he/she has a purpose.
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My dream in life doesn't necessarily involve my future job title.

My dream in life is to live out God's plan for me.  For me, this means sharing His love by helping others.  It means that every time I make music, I should be giving glory to God through my music.  My dream is that whatever I am doing, I am doing it for the Lord, and that I may be an example for others.

My dream is that I may live a happy and successful life.  That I may find a partner who loves and cares about me more than any object.  That above all else, my partner knows and loves the Lord.  That my partner supports my dream, while I support theirs.

My dream is that my friends and family may grow closer to God through me.  That my loved ones share in fellowship.  That these special people may empower others.  That I am surrounded by friends and family who love and care about me.  That these special people may encourage others to follow their dreams.

My dream is that my children will live a faithful life. That they may grow up to be an even better person than myself.  That they learn from my example.  That they may know the joy of helping others.  That they may be surrounded by family and friends who love them.  That they may be encouraged to follow their dreams, no matter what others think.

My dream in life is to empower others through music.  To show those who may be considered different that they can live normal lives.  That my clients/patients may change the world.  That they may feel empowerment to follow their dreams.  That they may do the things that others said they can't. That they may find comfort and healing.

Ash Wednesday

For some, today is just another day of the year.  For me, today was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. At Mass this evening, God taught me a few things.

*To the two girls sitting in the pew behind me: Yes, I heard you when you whispered to your friend that "the girl in front of us must go to church all of the time because she knows what she is doing."

-Yes: I attend Sunday Mass each week.  I am proud of my Catholic faith. I was proud to have those ashes put on my forehead.

*To the mom who brought her gifted son to mass today and allowed him to not only receive the Body of Christ but also the Blood of Christ: thank you! You were a reminder to me that people believe that even though their son or daughter may not be considered normal to some, he/she can still know and love the same God that we believe in..He is the one who created each of us.

Lent isn't about giving up candy or Facebook...Lent is about offering ourselves to the Lord.  It is about repenting and having mercy for our sins.  Lent is about trusting in God.  It's not just about how much more time we spend talking with God..but more importantly how much time we spend listening to Him.  In order to grow closer to Him, we must must do two things: pray to him and then listen for His response.  We must be willing to listen to His plan for us in order to have a stronger relationship with Him.

National Signing Day

Today was National Signing Day. While I love the fact that these young people get to go on and play sports in college..why do we have to watch it on the news? Why don't they interview the ballet dancer who is going to Juilliard, the jazz player who is going to North Texas, or the tuba player who is going to Northwestern? We announce that some baseball player committed to a community college, but we can't announce that a bassoon player from a small town made it into the music program at Notre Dame?

Let me first start by saying that I support all of my friends who are student athletes..I love you all and am so proud of you. 

But the truth of the matter is that people who go on to study music, dance, or theatre in college are practically student athletes. We put in long days full of classes, rehearsals, and individual practice time..not to mention the homework from our classes. We have many performances to not only perform in but to also attend..we go on tour..we have other gigs outside of school..we have jobs..we we teach lessons..the list goes on.

We don't receive the recognition that student athletes receive. We make it to All-State, receive scholarships, win solo completions, get accepted and "commit" to top schools, and yet no one interviews us and puts it on the news..

Why?

"Viewers" can come and watch our performances just like they can go watch a basketball or football game. You can find entertainment by watching a play or musical, just like you can from watching a softball game. 

So here's to all of my friends who are auditioning and/or got accepted to go on to study music in college!

Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

One of the hardest things in life is to remember that there is always a ray of sunshine at the end of the tunnel.  

The past few months, I have had to remind myself of this a lot.  For the longest time, it just felt like everything was going wrong, one person died after another..or someone was diagnosed with an illness..and it just felt like nothing was going right.  

I thought going back to school would help me to forget these things.  But the truth is that I will never forget what these past few months have been like.  

Heading back to school has not been easy breezy.  There are times at school where I’m smiling and laughing because I am surrounded by my wonderful friends and teachers who care about me.  But there are other times when I just can’t help but think of everything that has changed over the past few months.  I wonder why these things happen to so many people that I know…and the truth is that I will probably never know the answer.  

I am lucky to have so many people in my life who care about me and support me in my endeavors.  This has been my sunshine, or ray of light, throughout a dark time that I must remind myself of.  

Each day brings many emotions that take me in different directions.  Some days I wake up and want to go share my story with others..and some days I just want to stay in bed all day with a bowl of ice cream and a sad movie so that I have a ‘reason’ to cry. 

Remember to tell your family, friends, and anyone else who matters to you that they are important to you. Always tell them that you love them, even on the toughest days.  Share with them how they have brought sunshine to your life.  

Lastly, remember to smile.  A smile, even from a stranger, can change someone’s day. Smiling is the greatest way to give someone a ray of sunshine. 

Peace, love, and hugs to all of my family, friends, teachers, and mentors.  

My Heroes

     While the big man upstairs will always be my one, true hero, I believe that we are allowed to have people here on earth who we consider to be our hero(s).  For me, those people here on earth that I consider to be my heroes are my mom and dad.  My parents are two of the most loving, caring, humble, and hard-working people that I have ever met.

     My parents care about their two daughters beyond what my sister and I could ask for. They  always support us and show us love, even on the days when we make poor decisions. I know some may say that that is their duty as parents...but I would argue that my parents go above and beyond how most parents care for their children. My parents stay up late waiting for us, just to make sure that we are home safely. When I am away at school, my dad is always alerting me of weather threats that are in my area. My mom is the one I call when I don't feel so good. She is also the one I call when I don't know how to iron a shirt or get a stain out of a piece of clothing.

     My parents show my sister and I what it means to give back to our community. Both of my parents are very involved in our community. My parents not only give monetary donations to local organizations, but they also volunteer and share their time and talents. Both of my parents belong to and/or support local, national, and international organizations such as Kiwanis International and Epsilon Sigma Alpha International. My parents have passed the value of giving back to my sister and I, as we were both active in Key Club during high school and are both members of ESA.

     My mom and dad have taught me what it means to be devoted to your job.  They both go beyond what is asked or necessary to make sure that their duties are complete. My parents show(ed) commitment to their jobs.  My dad worked as a police officer for thirty-five years, and my mom has worked in the lab at the hospital for over forty years.  To me, those numbers reflect true commitment and dedication not only to their employers, but also to the community.  Those numbers reflect their commitment and dedication to providing for their family, to make sure my sister and I had the best care possible.

     While there is so much more I could share about both of my parents, I just want to say a special thank you to them for everything that they have done and continue to do day in and day out.  My parents always talk about how proud they are of my sister and I, and I feel they deserve recognition for raising us to be the people we are today.

     My parents have taught me to give back to the community, to follow my dreams, to put my trust in God, to be committed to my endeavors, to be humble, and to be the best person that I can be. Thank you mom and dad for everything that you have done.  I will always be in debt to you for the love and compassion that you have shown me. Each day you continue to inspire me to be the best that I can be. I truly love you both, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything.